A Journey, But With Lions

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Prompt: Write a short story about trying to capture, slaughter, or befriend a famous fictional or mythical creature.


Don't call me insane. If there's one thing I hate, it's when people call me insane. Since when was it my fault that my friends decided to triple dog dare me to climb on top of Jesse Hall and write my name on the dome in red paint? And who can blame me for giving my (demented old hag of a) teacher a box full of harmless spiders and snakes as a "gift" on April Fool's Day? Surely, you understand.

But, as sane as I truly am, I have no excuse for agreeing to THIS.

"So, where to next, guys?" I ask the two creatures trailing behind me. Somehow, I'm supposed to guide them through some crazy mix of mountains, hills, plains, and "unimaginable obstacles" (pfft, yeah right) to a set destination that I don't know.

"Wherever your heart takes you, young traveler," is the reply.

That's Aslan a.k.a. the single most frustrating creature on the planet. He speaks as if he's the all-powerful God of Narnia, but I'm pretty sure he has no idea what the answer is himself half the time, so he just makes stuff up to put the pressure on someone else. Of course, he's still a lion, which means I can't talk back to him or else he might rip my head off.

"Uh, my heart wants to go wherever I'm supposed to drop you off," I say slowly, carefully choosing my words.

"But look deeper inside of you..."

I can't take anymore of this crap.

"Rumbleroar?" I interject, ignoring Aslan. "What about you?"

Of course, this is a pointless question, because the only thing he ever says is...

"TO PIGFARTS!"

And then, he yells his name as loud as possible in deep guttural voice. Meet Public Enemy #2: Rumbleroar a.k.a. the loud, annoying menace.

I sigh. If only I could strangle these two, then maybe we could actually get somewhere. Besides, if they were dead, I could end this dumb quest and drop them off in a graveyard or a mortuary. Or a river. And, look! Down the hill! A river!

Why don't I make the journey quicker for us all, hm?

But, of course, before I can finish concocting Plan A of Operation: Assassinate Two Idiotic Lions Who Deserve To Die, Aslan says, "Perhaps a break is in order. Let's take a rest by that river."

I watch as the two lions amble down the hill. Slowly, an evil grin spreads across my face.

Insane, I am not. But crazy? Crazy enough to kill two infamous lions? Just maybe.


To explain...
Aslan is from The Chronicles of Narnia series. 
Rumbleroar is from A Very Potter Musical.