I'm the girl that no one looks at.
The one that they don’t hate or like; the one who’s just there. I’m no one’s first choice. No one’s hero or best friend in the entire world. When people think of me, there’s nothing particularly special to say.
Other people, people I’ve always wanted to be, they attract attention by simply smiling. They speak without pause or stutter, and they move confidently towards the future without hesitation, albeit with some worry. These are the people who have all the friends, the people who seem to so effortlessly succeed at everything, the people who are talked about.
I get it. We all have our own problems that others can't necessarily see. But still...
I’m the girl that deliberately lives out of the limelight, while yearning for it. I try to speak, but I mumble. I try to walk, but I stumble. And yet, even after coming to know myself and how I fit in the social world, I still reach for the limelight.
I'm not quite sure what I want out of it...
...but something about the idea of all-eyes-on-me sounds exhilarating. For my entire life, I’ve dreamt of it. It started as the dreams of a child who wanted to be a famous singer; but that fell through when I just wasn’t confident enough to pull it off. It turned into a young teenager who lived in her dreams and wanted to share those dreams to the world; a dream-turned-novel that would change lives. But that was put on the backburner as being too “unrealistic.”
Go to school, they say. Get a job, they say. You can do whatever you want, but make sure you get an education first. It seems so logical, and yet…not at all. Because when people start to say that you can only do one thing after you do something else, they begin prioritizing your life for you. Suddenly, college is the most important thing in your life, when maybe all you ever wanted to do was run off to LA and start auditioning and doing what you love. When people start doing that, it breaks you down. It makes you think they don’t believe in you. They’re already planning your backup after all, a fallback in case you screw up…so doesn’t that mean they’re planning for you to screw up?
So people give up
on their dreams.
But after so many years and so many changes in my life, I’m still here, craving something. I’m just beginning to put a finger on it, but I still can’t quite explain it. It seems every single one of my dreams has revolved around me becoming the center of attention somehow. Is that bad?
I crave revenge. I want to prove everyone wrong. I want to show the people who looked down on me or who thought I was weak that I have made it.
I crave glory. I want to taste victory for years to come.
I crave love…and hate. I want people to like me for who I am, but I also want to be hated. I’m not sure I’ve ever been hated before, but I want to know that I still have a challenge no matter how successful I am: to change the haters’ minds. I want the hate geared towards me so I can turn it into love.
I crave that feeling. That feeling you get when you’re happier than you’ve ever been. That moment in time when everyone is cheering for you, when you know you’ve done it. I don’t care how I do it – but I want that feeling. When not only I recognize what I’ve done, but the world recognizes my success and revels in it.
Is it selfish to think like this? Is it selfish to want this so much and feel that it will definitely happen?
I can feel it in my bones. I'm going to make it.
I don't know how I'll do it, but I will.
So here I am, after dreaming about being a singer and author; after that short-lived dream of being the youngest female gymnast to win a gold medal; after trying so hard to please everyone in hopes that they’ll like me; after posting it all online, unafraid, because I want everyone to know who I am; after dreaming up impossible situations where I become famous, whether it be through entertainment or saving the world; and even today, while still dreaming about becoming a famous YouTuber. After all this, my dream hasn’t changed one bit.
And little by little, I’m becoming this person I want to be. It’s been a slow process, but I’m getting there.
I’m still the girl that no one looks at. The girl that no one necessarily wants or doesn't want. Overlooked and pushed to the side. Ignored. Not on purpose; it's simply a matter of blending in too well.
But instead of reaching for the limelight, I’m grabbing hold of it.
So that one day, I can be the girl that everyone looks at.