Double Chins and Stuttering

If I had to describe myself with one word, it'd probably be "awkward."

I'm not sure what it is that causes me to be this way. Maybe it's because I like to daydream, so I tend to space out and lose all self-awareness? Maybe it's my complete inability to determine the proper amount of time I should think before speaking? Maybe it's my super analytical mind, driven by anxiety? Or maybe it's just my resting dumb face.

Regardless, I do a lot of super awkward and weird things. I mean, I'm almost as bad as Dan Howell.

But maybe you and I can find some common ground. And by that I mean, we can both trip and fall to the ground together, because that's what awkward people do.


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1. Double Chins

I'm not talking about the contorted faces you and your friends Snapchat each otherin an attempt to create the most chins out of what little fat your neck possesses.

I'm talking about me going about my daily business with a fucking double chin. Let's be clear, I'm not overweight in any sense of the word. But somehow it seems that a double chin is an inevitable part of every picture or video where I'm not consciously trying to hide it.

It's subtle, yes. But that's probably the most frustrating part about it. No one else seems to notice it but me. (We're all harsher on ourselves, aren't we?)

And I only just noticed this after I started YouTube and saw myself in all my double-chinned glory. I smile, it comes out. I laugh, it comes out. My friend takes a picture, BAM! Where did that double chin come from? Who knows. It's like it's a ghost until someone whips a camera out. An annoying, camera-hogging ghost.

2. Stuttering

This is probably the most frustrating thing about myself. Normally, I'm OK at talking. Yeah, I talk a little fast sometimes, and yeah, my sentences don't always make complete sense, but no one seems to notice (I think).

But far too often, I go on these stuttering sprees. It's usually the M's and W's and ST's that I completely screw up. I have no idea why, too. Some words are just difficult to say out loud for some reason. Even if I think really hard about what I'm saying, I'll stutter.

It's not even a subtle stutter. It's like "W-W-W-Will you m-m-m-ma-ma-shit-ma-marry m-m-m-m-m-m-m-GODDAMN IT."

(And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you propose, me-style. Come at me, boys.)

3. The odd man out

 

 

 

 

 

 

So even worse than just being awkward is being the awkward person who wantsto hang out with everybody. I want to be everyone's friend.

If that's not obvious, it's probably because I spend my time in a new group of people standing quietly, smiling like a Disney employee and laughing at every joke you say like you're the next John Mulaney.

How do I get myself into those situations? Well, it usually starts with a friend who wants me to go out with their group of friends; a coworker who invited me for a night out with her girls; a classmate who planned a class party where I know NO ONE, but I don't want to seem uncool so I come and drink way too much in the hopes that my drunk self will make the night a bit less awkward.

Which leads me to my next point...

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4. Drunk antics

Here's a little secret: drunk you might be cooler and more fun than sober you, but onlyuntil drunk you does something so unspeakably stupid that it will be forever immortalized in the form of a quote, a photo, a video, or if you're really unlucky, some unbearable memory that you just can't seem to forget (unlike the rest of that night).

Sober me is quiet and reserved, but drunk me likes to live it up. Drunk me enjoys twerking. Drunk me enjoys kissing random guys, and then complaining about them later. Drunk me enjoys buying wayyyy too much food and then eating maybe half of it. Drunk me enjoys calling a friend to pick her up at 3 in the morning and then getting another ride home without telling said friend.

Drunk me is hilarious, don't get me wrong. I have a collection of my own drunk quotes. But drunk me is no less awkward...and outgoing and awkward don't mix too well.


Believe me, there's more. I think I'm going to make this a series. Maybe I'll tell an awkward story or two. We'll see...