"I'm trying to understand"
When I looked back at my drafts, digging for inspiration, I realized that I had started writing something almost a year ago. And this was the only line written in it.
I'm trying to understand.
"Trying to understand what?" I asked myself. I wonder what I was thinking at that particular moment. What inspired me to write that one line and then just...stop?
So here I am today, wracking my brain for an explanation. It seems silly to want to understand something from so long ago that probably means nothing to me right now. I spent far too much time digging into my own past, searching Facebook posts from that date, trying to figure out what I might have been doing.
In the end, it doesn't really matter. So why am I here, trying to understand something which cannot be understood?
This is why.
I'll never know exactly why I wrote that one line or what I was planning to write before I stopped, setting it aside for another day. That's a story long-forgotten. But I do know why that line bothers me so much. And perhaps why I couldn't complete the post.
I'm still trying to understand. There is no "what" after that. No singular thing that I can pinpoint that I'm trying to understand.
I'm just trying to understand.
Everything, nothing, something.
Life, the universe, our existences.
Everything that can't be understood.
And yet nothing at all.
Something that bothers me.
Everything that bothers me.
I'm trying to understand. To better my understanding. It's a skill people don't think about, yet it's so, so important.
So now, I've rewritten lost words. This draft will be published. The original intent will disappear, and perhaps, I'll forget that I ever began a post with "I'm trying to understand" and left it unfinished. It's sad, how ideas can disappear into forgotten lands, shrouded with mystery.
And still I'm happy. Because I finished it. I replaced the words I lost. I didn't stop or surrender. Whatever the reason I quit before, it's no longer a factor.
It's a small victory, but every victory counts.